to never forgetting
by inflowers
Summary: what they remembered, what they wanted to forget. luke/reid


Reid had never been one for beginnings, and didn't care to remember many firsts. He preferred to skip through the introductory scenes of a movie to find the action, blow off entrees in favour of mains and read the last page of a book first – because everyone knows that the good stuff happens in the last few chapters. But when Luke breezed in and changed everything, Reid started recognising more firsts, appreciating beginnings and remembering the important things.  
Theirs was never a fairytale, laid out in open books with carefully drawn out illustrations. No ceremonies declaring their undying love for one another, and no children to carry on their legacies. Their love was strong, unwavering and solid. But it was silent and reserved, not often spoken of and carried out in private without the displays of public adoration.

But it was no less monumental or complete.  
Though while they never spoke of their biggest moments, they remembered them. In the quiet of their memories, they remembered each and every pivotal scene in their relationship and would play them back like home movies, when reality wasn't living up to their expectations.

Vividly, he remembered the first time he touched Luke. Not just a casual touch, but touched the parts of Luke that only one other had before. As he stroked the skin on Luke's lower back, he vowed to never let another retrace his steps. He was playing for keeps. Kissing the spot tenderly and lingering for longer than necessary, he ghosted over Luke's body possessively and tenderly, still not quite believing that it was real. Since that time there had been frenzied, passionate nights where they couldn't get their hands on each other fast enough and moments where they both thought they were going to pass out from the sheer intensity of their want for one another. But no matter whether it was rushed and heated or slow and loving, Reid and Luke always remembered how everything that happened between the sheets was meaningful and important. 

Reid could also remember the first time Luke walked away. It was spring, the ground was still cold underfoot but the earth felt crisper and there was hope lingering in the air. He could remember the words Luke spoke, quietly explaining that he and Noah had so much history, he couldn't just walk away. Regardless of what he was feeling for Reid, Noah had been his first true love and how was he ever supposed to forget that? Reid wanted to explain that he didn't expect him to forget, but that eventually everyone moves on. Words failed him. He could remember the burn of unrequited feelings and how everything just seemed a little more dim without him. But Reid wasn't one for making scenes or causing a stir, so he went home, turned the lights off and lay in the dark, trying to remember the feeling of Luke's fingertips on his face. He promised to himself that he would never to forget that feeling.

And Luke remembered too. He remembered the sting at the back of his throat as he walked away from Reid, back to Noah. Because he was scared, because he was a coward, because it was all too much – he wasn't sure of the reason. Noah was just like an old pair of jeans. Comfortable, and he fit. There was no reason to change things, even though everything they had was being held together with fraying and fragile threads. He remembered his first night back with Noah. The first time they made love since their breakup, and how what used to drive Luke crazy with lust now made him feel dirty, and how Noah's hands on his skin felt like acid. He expected to see burns in the shape of his hands, all over his body. But he was imagining them, just like he was imagining that the man hovering over his body, trailing kisses down his collarbone was Reid – not Noah. Never Noah.

As the weeks turned into months, and months into years, he never forgot. He couldn't let go of the face in his memories, imploring him that they belonged together. He couldn't let go of Reid, but he hoped that he was happy. That he had managed to find someone who was man enough to admit that they were made for each other. Like Luke couldn't have, like he wasn't brave enough to. He hoped that Reid found love, even if it wasn't with him.

They both remembered the first time they saw each other afterwards. Six years later, in a coffee shop in Vermont of all places. Luke, sitting across from Noah while he spoke enthusiastically about a film, casually glanced towards the door as the bell signalled someone entering. And suddenly, there he was. Slightly older, and wearing glasses – but it was still Reid. Luke had never believed in fate before then, but he knew better than to dismiss their chance encounter as a coincidence. Reid glanced over and made instant and lasting eye contact with Luke, and while Noah never noticed, Luke's eyes spoke clearly and concisely to Reid.

_It was you. I should have picked you. I'm so sorry. I love you._

Reid turned sharply and walked away, and Luke understood what suffocating felt like. But he had spent years wishing he had the courage to call, to find him somehow and to tell him everything that he couldn't say before. So he stopped Noah mid-sentence.

"_I can't. I can't do this anymore." _

"_Thank god. Neither can I." Noah whispered, letting out a breath that Luke guessed he'd held onto for years. "Thanks for saying it." _

"_I've gotta go." Luke replied, leaning across and kissing Noah gently on the cheek. _

"_I know." Noah replied, and Luke realised that he must have seen Reid too._

He threw some cash down on the table and walked quickly to the door, trying to remember which way Reid had gone. As he was trying to decide left or right, he saw a Subway across the street and despite himself, laughed gently._ Maybe, just maybe..._ It was a long shot, but even a long shot was better than nothing at all. As he surveyed the patrons of the small sandwich shop, he felt deflated at not finding Reid. _Of course, it wouldn't be that easy._ As he turned to walk away, a voice startled him from behind and hand reached out and pulled him into a corner of the shop.

"_Luke." _

"_Reid." It was barely even a breath, definitely not a voice. But it spoke to their relationship, so frantic and rushed. "Hi." _

"_Hi. What do you want?" Reid replied, having never quite grasped social politeness. But then again, why would he want to be polite to the only person who had ever broken his heart. _

"_I – You." Luke said, amazed at how easily the words came to him. After six years of never letting himself say it out loud, it felt good to have the truth floating out in the space between them. _

"_Why? Why now?" Reid challenged, anger flashing behind his eyes. _

"_Not just now. I wanted you then. I just, I couldn't." _

"_No, you just wouldn't. Why should I just throw myself at you now, Luke?"_

"_I don't know." Luke replied, shoulders sagging and his voice lowering in defeat. "There's no reason other than I just – I love you." _

"_It's too late. It's just too late."_

"_Oh. Are you – yeah, of course you are. Why wouldn't you be? I didn't expect you to stay single." Luke stuttered out, suddenly embarrassed. _

"_What? No, that's not it. I am single, I just – I can't, Luke." _

"_Why?"_

"_It hurt too much, losing you the first time. I was fine before you, and then after you I wasn't me anymore. I'm finally starting to feel okay, and I can't risk that." _

_Luke's eyes snapped up, and he finally saw that behind the anger in Reid's eyes was six years of pure agony. That the same longing he had been feeling, Reid was feeling twice over. Because at least Luke knew that Reid wanted him. At least Luke knew that Reid would have sacrificed to be with him – and what had Luke ever done for Reid? Thrown him out like last weeks garbage and gone back to whatever felt the most normal? _

"_It wouldn't be a risk. I promise, it's you. It's always been you, I've always wanted you." _

"_You can't promise things like that. What about Noah?"_

"_Noah and I haven't been the same since you. Nothing has been the same, I haven't been the same. We were over back then – it just took us a long time to realise it."_

"_Luke -" Reid began, wavering slightly and Luke could tell that the walls were coming down. _

"_Just have dinner with me, tonight. If it's still not right then I'll leave."_

"_Okay. But I can't make any promises." _

"_No, I know." Luke smiled, handing Reid his phone number and brushing a finger against Reid's in the process. "Call me."_

Neither could forget that dinner, how everything slid back into place so perfectly. Like they were both waiting for the other shoe to drop and for someone to say something that stung, but it never came. Their witty banter flew back into their conversations, and Luke revelled in the laugh at that escaped Reid despite his attempts to subdue it.

Reid went back to Oakdale with Luke the following day, and he never left. 

The day they got his diagnosis was etched into their memories, despite how much they both wanted to forget it. A cold white hospital room that Reid had spent years in, had never felt so horrible. He watched as Luke was poked, prodded and pestered with questions about his medical history and his lifestyle. He sat in the same uncomfortable chair for days on end while the mostly incompetent doctors tried to work out was was wrong with Luke – all the while pouring over medical textbooks in case he could figure it out for himself. But the only thing he knew was that all they could do was wait. Wait for whatever was about to come, and hope against hope that it was something they could get through, and that they would one day be able to look back on this as nothing more than an unpleasant memory in a stack of good ones. That day never came.

Reid remembered goodbye, but Luke didn't. It was unforgettable, unimaginable – full of everything they never really said. Confessions of devotion, of soul mates and how they never had enough time. Luke whispered all those romantic things that he had refrained from saying over the years, knowing they made Reid uncomfortable. Reid returned the same sentiments, desperately trying to hold back the tears choking in pit of his stomach. He whispered that he would never forget, and Luke smiled because he knew it was true.

Reid remembered the flatline, he remembered the silence. He remembered mourners dressed in black, remembered Lily's face as she clung to him like he was her last hope. But he wished he could forget. He wished he could erase Luke's eulogy from his mind like it never happened, and he wished he could scrub away at the memory of Holden leading the pallbearers out of the church, holding his son high on his shoulder. He never wanted to remember what it was like when he was finally left alone, _really alone_ in their house. He wanted so much to believe that Luke was simply at work, or at the farm, or in the kitchen cooking dinner.

The dishes piled high in the sink because Reid was trying to believe that Luke would be home soon so they could argue over who was going to wash them. A coffee cup sat alone on the bench, coffee grinds still crusted in the bottom of it, and Reid couldn't wash it if only because Luke had held it in his hands and had put his lips on it. Reid never washed that cup, it stood in the corner of his, _their_, kitchen like a shrine.

Reid and Luke had remembered all of their relationship, from the little eccentricities, to the major life events. They remembered anniversaries although they never celebrated them in any special way, just taking a few extra minutes to spend in bed together. While there were things that both wished they had never known, or wished they had never needed to remember, somehow they were both grateful to have shared those times together.

Over time Reid forgot a lot of things, as he grew older and his mind started failing him. He forgot to put out the trash, he forgot to renew his licence and he forgot where he put his glasses. But Reid remembered Luke. He remembered the smile, he remembered Luke's breath on his skin and he remembered their story so that if anyone ever asked, he would be able to tell them that while he never did climb everest or find a cure for cancer, he had loved.


End file.
